How ’Bout Them Apples

I'm sitting on my sofa, like a sick person in a hospital or the child of a lame mother at a Mcdonald's, eating sliced apples. A tragedy that not even sprinkling Tajin chili powder on top can mitigate.

It's fucking depressing.

Quick story, back in January, my roommate and I had to stay at an Airbnb while people changed our carpet after our basement got flooded (long story). It was a 20-minute walk away from our place in a beautiful neighborhood called Fraser.

While there, I had the pleasure of visiting Deans NoFrills for the first time. This is a chain of grocery stores that are usually cheaper than fucking Save-On-Foods, the other grocery chain that nearly robs you every time you place a foot inside. 

In the bakery section of the store, I found a box containing four 2.5x2.5in fudge brownies with chocolate chips on top. With my official mission being to get snacks for our little “staycation”, I thought this was the perfect candidate. I bought the box. 

Back at the Airbnb, I took a bite out of one brownie and thought they were mid, not at all special, and too sweet. That box ended up lasting for over two weeks, with me, little by little, taking bites out of the rest of the brownies.

Well, something has happened from that first box to today, because nowadays the same box will last me 3 to maaaaybe 4 days. That means that some days I am eating more than a single brownie.

Each brownie contains 36 grams of sugar. A can of regular Coke is 39.

That is a problem.

It’s not that I usually eat a lot of sugar throughout the day. I may have some cookies or some gummies on top of regular “normal”-food-related sugars. But since I’m in my 30’s and my family has a STRONG history of diabetes (probably half of it has it), I am afraid.

In my effort to reduce my sugar consumption, I’ve tried cutting all sugary things from my diet, only to fall back again and again. They’re just so good!!

And that takes us back to apples.

Recently, BIG China was listening in via  TikTok and decided to help out. A video came up on my feed of a guy that talks about how sugar in nature always comes packed with fiber. So, fruits, for example, have lots of sugar but also lots of fiber which is good for you. And how candy is TRASH and THE WORST because it’s just sugar—no added benefits.

So, to my chagrin, I bought three Honeycrisp apples the other day instead of my adored brownies. Totaling a WHOPPING $6.45 dollars (two more than the box of brownies), I brought them home and placed them in the fridge.

Excited to try them (and fueled by a sugar withdrawal) I quickly washed and sliced one. I sprinkled some Tajín on top because I’m Mexican and ate the apple.

It was a good apple—a very good apple, I might say. But it wasn’t a brownie. The greatest apple in the world would taste like sawdust when compared to a mid brownie. And comparing it with Dean’s NoFrills ones, It’s like night and fucking day. It’s like the apple is not even food. Not even edible.

And not only are apples less tasty and way more expensive, but after eating one, I get this weird feeling on the roof of my mouth. It’s similar to the feeling of numbness you get when you burn your tongue. What? Am I allergic to apples now? It’s like my body is saying “Stop eating apples and get more brownies, you weak-willed FUCK!”

So that’s the dilemma right now. People are dying out there and I’m sitting here, knowing that this apple is gonna fuck up my mouth (and spirit) for the rest of the day. Life really gives its biggest battles to its strongest warriors.

And I've decided tomorrow I’ll go get me another box of brownies. Everyone’s gotta die of something. Death by brownie seems fine to me.